Washington Post: Trump says his ‘gut’ can tell him more than ‘anybody else’s brain can ever tell me’ | CNN Politics WASHINGTON, DC: In a move sure to further sicken most Americans with a still intact grasp on what currently passes for reality, President Donald Trump today appointed his own digestive system as National Security Advisor, replacing Marco Rubio. Claiming, “My gut tells me more sometimes than anybody else’s brain can ever tell me,” the President held a press conf

“This is why we have to have all the attributes of what we’re planning at the White House. It’s a larger room, it’s drone-proof and bullet-proof glass. That’s why the Secret Service, the military, are demanding it. They’ve wanted the ballroom for one hundred and fifty years.” — Donald Trump, April 25, 2026, after an assassination attempt against him at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. - - - April 26, 1877 Dear President Rutherford B. Hayes, As you know, I have seen som

Insane Clown Posse Twiztid Mindless Self Indulgence Mr. Bungle Bedlam Sadistik Kidcrusher The Killjoy Club Oh!The Horror Extra Overdoze Scum So Sick Social Club Swollen Members Psych Ward Criminally Made Algae Answer: Horrorcore Band name: 1-14 Description of Trump’s Cabinet: 1-15 *A subgenre of hip-hop that blends hardcore rap with gruesome, macabre themes, heavily inspired by slasher and psychological horror films. In case you didn’t know. I certainly didn

WASHINGTON, DC: With already over 4000 religions to choose from, consumers can now embrace yet another belief system to justify violence, oppression, misogyny, racism, homophobia and resource hoarding. According to spokesman Josh Martin, The Church of Jesus Christ It’s Donald Trump Again, while at first glance seems to resemble evangelical Christianity, is actually, “more like evangelical Christianity plus fascism on steroids, opioids and amphetamines.” The Church officiall

I have to get something off my chest. Granted, it’s a chest that's been crushed by a steering wheel at least 87 times this week alone,...

HUNTSVILLE, AL: In an effort to boost sales, local firearms retailer Locked and Loaded has begun offering free drinks to customers as they browse store aisles filled with AR-15’s, Glocks and other weapons designed expressly for violently killing sentient beings. “It works for the casinos,” noted Locked and Loaded’s Kelvin McCroy. “Free liquor keeps you in the store, makes you lose track of time, gets you to spend more money and inspires some really bad decision making. Plus

HADLEY, MA: Western Massachusetts, known to possess some of the most fertile farmland in the entire world, is growing a new crop - a giant cement box to hold consumers' excess crap. The Pioneer Valley, once a glacial lake, is known for its rich soil, a gift from the Ice Age that has kept on giving for milennia. Until now. Bonnie Bowen, marketing director of Self Storage defends her company’s recent acquisition of over 500 acres of prime farmland. “Our previous facilities h

Everyone Wants a Piece of X Ok stop. Really. It’s no big deal. Actually…you’re right, it is a big deal. Musk is obsessed with me....

Benjamin Franklin: So I’m wondering, with this well regulated militia and right to bear arms idea, that we might want to think about what...

The following is the actual correspondence between me and the History Channel regarding their This Day in History selection of historical...

WASHINGTON, D.C.: In a bold move completely defying more than 200 years of practice, Church and State have announced the end of their separation. “Reunited and it feels so good,” crooned State at a recent press conference, held at The Right Way Church of Jesus Christ Almighty. In his opening remarks, State confessed, ”After many years of denying our mutual attraction, after years of pretending our separation was still an actual foundational tenet of our democracy, Church and

MONTGOMERY, AL: Drivers in 25 states in the US are claiming a victory for the Car Rights movement. Advocates are cheering the passage of...

AMHERST, MA: A new food truck specifically aimed at late night student revelers and the weed community has opened its windows on the...

Houston, TX: Governor Greg Abbott of Texas has approved the use of vending machines for the sale of firearms. “With the recent freedom we...

Dear Garfield Middle School Teachers, I received a lot of feedback from many of you after my previous note about lions in your classrooms

Dear Garfield Middle School Teachers, As we prepare for the start of our school year, I wanted to alert you to a recent addition to your