Texas Governor Abbott Approves Use of Vending Machines for Firearm Sales

Houston, TX: Governor Greg Abbott of Texas has approved the use of vending machines for the sale of firearms. “With the recent freedom we have afforded our citizens to carry a weapon without a permit, background check or any training whatsoever, we anticipate a high demand for access to a large variety of firearms” he said. “Hell, Americans bought over 17 million guns in 2020 alone. Putting pistols and revolvers into vending machines will make buying a gun as easy as buying a can of Coke or a bag of Doritos. Oh wait, it already was!”

When asked why he has eliminated background checks, Abbott laughed and then replied, “Here’s the background check: Every citizen will be asked 3 questions that they must answer truthfully: Number one, do you swear you are an American citizen? Number two: Do you swear you are not currently engaged in criminal activity? And number 3: Do you swear you will not use this weapon to cause harm? If you can answer yes to all three questions, the transaction continues. Should take about 5 minutes but we’re working to streamline the process.”

The use of vending machines for gun related sales is not without precedent. American Green, a cannabis-based business has developed a vending machine that can dispense many adult products, including weed, booze, ammunition and Altoids.

When questioned if ammunition would be included with the purchase of a gun, Abbott said, “In a concession to the environmentalist lobby, we have repurposed old gumball machines as bullet dispensers. Of course, we’re renaming them ‘Gunball” machines because we have a sense of humor.”

The placement of firearm vending machines and Gunball dispensers is currently restricted to gas stations and convenience stores. Abbott hopes to expand availability to malls, churches, mosques, synagogues and public schools by next fall.

by Christine Stevens