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  • Writer's pictureChristine Stevens

Following Casino Model, Gun Store Offers Free Drinks to Shoppers


HUNTSVILLE, AL: In an effort to boost sales, local firearms retailer Locked and Loaded has begun offering free drinks to customers as they browse store aisles filled with AR-15’s, Glocks and other weapons designed expressly for violently killing sentient beings.  


“It works for the casinos,” noted Locked and Loaded’s Kelvin McCroy. “Free liquor keeps you in the store, makes you lose track of time, gets you to spend more money and inspires some really bad decision making. Plus, it gives new meaning to the store’s name.”


With over 19 gun shops within a two block radius of downtown Huntsville, McCroy went on to note, “There’s a lot of competition for the gun enthusiasts dollar, so in order to stand out from the rest, you've gotta take some risks. Even if those risks involve combining alcohol and firearms in a small space with folks of all ages wandering around.” He then mused, “I already sell cigarettes - thinking I might just change the name of this place to The ATF.”


“We’re just trying to catch up to Montana,” continued McCroy. “ 66% of the patriots in that state own anywhere from one to 301 guns. We’re really trailing behind with only 55% of Alabamans in possession of some form of deadly force.”


A selection of artisanal moonshine and Busch Light in camo cans will be available to shoppers wishing to enjoy a drink as they peruse the inventory. Special mocktails will be available for the underaged as they check out McCroy’s ample supply of the JR-15, a scaled down assault rifle just right for your 13 year old. 


Customer and bride-to-be Mary Beth Henderson, finishing her fourth beer, said she's thrilled by the offer of free booze while she shops. “Forget Margaritaville. I think I’ll have my bachelorette party right here,”  she decided as she picked out a selection of pastel colored hand guns for her bridal party gifts.


When asked if the free alcohol model was a good idea given the presence of a firing range attached to the store, McCroy looked confused by the question and instead offered this reporter his drink of the day, “a little high octane something I'm calling ‘100% Bullet Proof.’”


by Christine Stevens

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