Is He ‘A Bulbous Orange Cognitively Impaired Old Fascistic Sociopath’ or ‘A Cognitively Impaired Bulbous Old Orange Fascistic Sociopath?’

 Proper Adjective Order for Describing our Felon-in-Chief. Or Chief Felon?

This is important to get right because I do not want to be trolled on X or Threads or Bluesky or Substack for how I describe that heinous small-minded decrepit kumquat-faced swamp-bred doughy tyrant.

Grammar nerds. They can be vicious big old assholes. Or are they big old vicious assholes?  Opinion, size, age, shape, color, origin, material and purpose - the order matters. 

We may be losing the rule of law but we must not forsake our rules of grammar. It’s one reality we all still share, right? 

And there are so many adjectival possibilities for that grotesquely angry aging tangerine circus clown, with new ones popping up everyday - ‘felonious bulging senior mango Mussolini’ or ‘repulsive tiny-pawed moronic mob boss’ - that clinging to some sort of consistency in how we describe him may at least make us feel like some rules are still in place.

As the turgid elderly pumpkin-faced rectangle of madness continues to firehose us with disasters, and institutions such as the State Department are turned into a shrunken weasel-studded Russian litter box, we must be accurate in how we describe the fall of our democracy and those responsible. 

You may have noticed, you don’t even have to slow the linguistic onslaught down with those pesky commas. This adjectival freight train stops for no punctuation.

Now you may be thinking, “Shouldn’t we be focusing on more actionable efforts to save our country?” and you’re not wrong.  But the small amount of dopamine my brain produces when I think about accurately describing that repugnant primitive misshapen hellspawned parasitic terrorist gives me a momentary lift out of this morass of mind-numbing chaos and destruction.

Word order matters. You wouldn’t drop your doom scrolling and join a No Kings protest if you read a sentence like:’ The despicable incoherent rotund ancient brown piece of excrement has annexed Canada…’ when you know that rotund and ancient should be reversed in that sentence. You just wouldn’t.

So let’s focus on what we can control.  Because otherwise this amazing humongous 250 year old multi-colored democracy of ours is forever and utterly fu#ked.

By Christine Stevens