JD Vance Adds to His Government Responsibilities: Presidential Booedy Guard

WASHINGTON, DC: Vice President JD Vance has added another duty to his VP job description: Presidential Booedy Guard. 

Since attending any event where the president is not in total control of who is present leads to open hostility from everyday Americans, he will now send his VP to absorb the hate for him. 

It’s a strategic move, suggested by his security team. An anonymous source revealed that “we can only fake so many assassination attempts. We’re pretty sure the real thing is coming and Vance is about as expendable as it gets.”

Vance’s recent deployment to the opening ceremonies of the Winter Olympic Games in Cortina, Italy showcased his unique qualifications for the job. In addition to being a frequent target for boos and jeers at public events based on his own lack of merit or decency, he is now taking the hit from angry crowds for his boss.

“Somewhere in that moldering, reptilian brain of his, the president knows the majority of the country utterly despises him. Sending Vance in as his 'Booedy Guard' is a stop gap measure designed to allow him to shift the blame until his cognitive decline is complete and his cabal can safely shuffle the president off into a gold plated padded room at Mar-a -Lago,” the source added.

Which is why the president will not be attending tonight's Super Bowl, despite the fact that large stadium gatherings, whether sports or fascist rally related, are his personal catnip. 

The VP will make a brief appearance at tonight's game in California. He’ll appear on the jumbotron while presidential co-conspirators in network news and entertainment overdub the song “A Whiter Shade of Pale” at decibel levels they hope will drown out the crowd's angry chants, curses and boos.

By Christine Stevens