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From Crops to Crap: World's Richest Farmland Now Growing Self-Storage Spaces

Updated: 4 hours ago



HADLEY, MA: Western Massachusetts, known to possess some of the most fertile farmland in the entire world, is growing a new crop -  a giant cement box to hold consumers' excess crap. 


The Pioneer Valley, once a glacial lake, is known for its rich soil, a gift from the Ice Age that has kept on giving for milennia. Until now. 


Bonnie Bowen, marketing director of Self Storage defends her company’s recent acquisition of over 500 acres of prime farmland. “Our previous facilities have all been very long, single story buildings.  This brand new multi-story monstrosity, while completely obstructing the view of our local mountain range for any dwelling within a half mile, is actually preserving farmland by going up.”   


Jason Morebage, CEO, noted the convenient location of the massive junk house, across the street from 2 malls. “We have an agreement with a national chain that I think consumers are going to love. For an additional fee, you can make use of our underground pipeline that runs directly from Wal-mart to your storage space. So when you're leaving the store and you suddenly realize your partner or parent or whoever will most likely freak out when you bring home a bacon-scented pillow or that lottery prayer candle, you can simply place it in a receptacle, punch in your storage code and our pneumatic tube system will deposit it directly into your unit. Cuts out years of dust gathering and/or arguments!”


Margie Clutter of Amherst is excited by the new building. “These storage spaces will allow my tag sale-ing hobby to go to the next level.” 


With climate change endangering world food supplies, the wisdom of using farmland for storing great Aunt Sylvia's Christmas dishware collection is being questioned.


“Not sure how useful it’ll be to have housing for those three broken microwaves and your Beanie Baby collection from second grade when there’s a food shortage,” observed  Walter Wyzniski, a 4th generation farmer in Hadley. “But what do I know? I’m wearing my great-grandfather’s overalls and have never owned a microwave.” 


by Christine Stevens

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