Trump Appoints His Gut as National Security Advisor

Washington Post: Trump says his ‘gut’ can tell him more than ‘anybody else’s brain can ever tell me’ | CNN Politics 

WASHINGTON, DC: In a move sure to further sicken most Americans with a still intact grasp on what currently passes for reality, President Donald Trump today appointed his own digestive system as National Security Advisor, replacing Marco Rubio.

Claiming, “My gut tells me more sometimes than anybody else’s brain can ever tell me,” the President held a press conference to introduce My Gut to the public. In a statement, My Gut noted,  “I have 80 years of experience  processing the crap this guy puts into his mouth which leaves me uniquely qualified - I can take a Big Mac with extra cheese and turn it into a decision to bomb an entire civilization back to the Stone Age in the time it takes a Republican to read the War Powers Act.”

Reminiscing about the past, My Gut added, “I remember the time I took a couple of filet-o-fish sandwiches and 12 Diet Cokes and turned them into a decision to buy a casino and start a university.  Not to mention the whole steak business - my personal favorite for obvious reasons.  Good times, good times.”

The President noted “Little Marco did his best, but his brain is no match for My Gut. The truth is, My Gut has been making all the decisions about Iran and Israel and Russia and the reflecting pool and Epstein…and let me tell you it wasn’t just my gut talking with that one…” 

Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt then told reporters ‘Oh, what do you know - it's time to re-open the Strait of Hormuz…again…,” as the President was abruptly escorted from the press conference before he could finish his remarks. 

By Christine Stevens