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First High Speed Rail Service in US to Connect City with Catastrophic Homeless Problem to Gambling Capital of the World

Updated: Apr 27

LOS ANGELES, CA: In a mind-boggling display of priorities, the United States' first high speed rail service will connect the city of Los Angeles, currently experiencing the second highest rate of homelessness in the nation, with Las Vegas, a playground for the rich and those who think they can afford to throw their money away without becoming homeless.   

The emission-free, high-speed train - the project is estimated to cost $12 billion - seeks to alleviate traffic strain because, clearly, the traffic on the road to Vegas is way worse than the 405 freeway at…anytime of day.

“We felt the gaming industry enthusiasts in LA needed a faster way to get out of town, leave behind the traffic, the smog, the, you know, unsightly reminders of poverty, and get right to losing their money,” said Brett Morrison, spokesperson for BrightLine West, builders of the light rail line. “Connecting LA and San Francisco was going to be waaaay too complicated and expensive. Plus our own government gave us $3 billion - so viva Las Vegas, baby!”    

Gamblers will be able to make the 218 mile journey quickly, with a clear conscience, knowing the light rail provides emission- free transportation. “I feel much better knowing I’m not contributing to global warming when traveling across the desert at 200mph,” noted Greg Cassidy of Glendale. “Plus, cutting the commute time from LA to Vegas by 2 hours means I can leave work at 5 on Friday and be playing Texas Hold’em by 7:30 at the latest.”

Not all Angelenos are excited by the project. “Do the math,” remarked Ana Hough, director of the downtown non-profit, Helping HomeLAss. “If you took just the government's $3 billion contribution to this ‘project’ and divided it amongst the 71,000 folks living in shelters or on the street, that would give each unhoused person $42,000.” 

She paused as she thought about housing prices and rents in Los Angeles, shook her head sadly and added, “Yeah that won’t work.”

“They say a society's values are reflected in how it takes care of its most vulnerable members,” Hough continued. “In this case, it’s helping those poor high rollers who get stuck in traffic trying to make it to Jackpot Jolene's or the Mirage before the end of happy hour.”

Plans for a second high speed rail line linking New York City and Atlantic City are currently in development.

by Christine Stevens

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