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  • Writer's pictureChristine Stevens

Woman Served Restraining Order by Excessively Handsome Neighbor; Blames 'Bridgerton Syndrome'

HADLEY, MA: A local woman is claiming she suffers from 'Bridgerton Syndrome' after being served a restraining order by her extremely good looking next door neighbor for repeatedly standing uncomfortably (for him) close to his face while chatting.

Cristine Seevens, 59ish, was ordered to keep at least 20 feet away from her hot as hell neighbor, Grant Kingsley, 35, after several encounters in which Seevens was irresistibly compelled to bring her nose and lips within kissing distance of Kingsley’s nose and lips while discussing neighborhood matters such as his recently changed trash pick-up day, the death of Seeven’s beloved cat Anthony, and the weather.

According to Kingsley, Seevens insists on calling him ‘My Lord’ and has taken to wearing purple empire waisted gowns and elaborate hairstyles while mowing the lawn or dropping by to borrow a cup of tea. Said Kingsley, “One day she brought me a plush velvet tailcoat, a beaver pelt top hat and a white linen shirt which for some inexplicable reason was soaking wet and asked if I might have my valet dress me in them or, if he was unavailable, she would be delighted to do the honors. So creepy. I had to get the law involved.”

In her court hearing, Seevens, a public school teacher, admitted to Judge Bertha White that she developed the condition after spending her entire Spring vacation binge watching “somewhere between 2 and 28 times,” seasons one and two of the popular Netflix series.

She threw herself on the mercy of the court, stating, “Your Honor I beg of you, the shame and disgrace this brings upon my family will endure for generations and be the subject of vicious gossip amongst the ton for even longer. Lady Whistledown will have no end of material for her scandal sheet. In addition, could you possibly shorten the restricted distance to perhaps, 5 feet so that I might at least be able to smell My Lord’s intoxicating bouquet of horse sweat, top-shelf whiskey and resentful primogeniture responsibility?”

After firmly denying that request, Judge White asked why Seevens, a US citizen born and bred, insisted on speaking in Regency-era Britishisms, to which Seevens merely tossed her head and flounced out of the courtroom.

Bridgerton Syndrome is now widely acknowledged as a legitimate medical condition, mostly enjoyed by middle aged females with access to Netflix, PBS and far too many BBC streaming services.

By Christine Stevens

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