We Know He's a Serial Killer, We Have SO MUCH Evidence, but...
Updated: Sep 21
We know he’s a serial killer, but we’re waiting until we catch him in the act before we arrest him because we want to be really, really certain. Even though we found at least 300 bodies in his basement, with his fingerprints all over them. We’ve seen the blood on his hands - but the forensics team is still running tests, they think it could just be ketchup.
Yes, any other serial killer would have already endured a swift trial and painful death by lethal injection by now, after the crimes we think this guy has committed. But this guy is not your average serial killer. He has alot of friends who will vouch for him. Despite the fact that most of them have never even met him. As for the ones that do actually know him, we suspect they’re completely terrified they’ll be his next victims, so they’re not squealing.
And it’s true, he is on record for having said he could “stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody,” but we thought he was speaking metaphorically, not making a promise. We have since realized he wouldn’t know a metaphor if it peed on his face in a Russian hotel room.
His family members have told us he’s a serial killer but when you’re raised in a family where being a serial killer is normalized, well, what do you expect? Maybe he just needs a good therapist.
Look, he’s obviously conflicted - he practically admits to being a murderer one moment and then says all his killings were justified in the next, then says the bodies were planted by the police, then implies he is the legal owner of all the bodies, then claims he rents his basement out on Airbnb, maybe some ‘guest’ left the bodies - so we’re understandably confused.
He seems to have some very powerful friends (with thick foreign accents) to whom he may have given or sold some of the bodies, so there’s that whole complication. Is giving away dead bodies against the law? We need to check.
We also have a plethora of evidence that he might be a serial tax evader, serial sex offender, serial eater, etc., but we’re going to focus on all those dead bodies for right now.
We want to catch him breaking just a few more laws to justify arresting him because while he’s broken at least 96 different ones, 100 is a nice round number.
We’re going to catch him in the act, we know it. Well, ok, we’ve already basically caught him in the act. But our profilers tell us this guy might be the type to outsource his murderous proclivities if he feels cornered. So if we see a sudden uptick in homicides by other lunatics, we’ll go after his ‘friends’ and then, you can bet, we’ll nail him. Hopefully. Probably. At least we think so.
By Christine Stevens