US Experiences One Day Without a Mass Shooting

WASHINGTON, DC: In what some are hailing as a major breakthrough in the ongoing scourge of gun violence in this country, the United States managed one 24-hour period without a mass shooting. Every student that went to school alive, returned home alive. Shoppers, religious congregants, people at work and folks just hanging out at home were all able to go about their business without being killed or injured by someone with an AR-15 or an AK-47.

“It’s a great day for America,” commented Sylvia Morris of Boulder, Colorado. “While Monday’s tragedy in Nashville still requires our thoughts and prayers, and today’s debacle in Florida is currently unfolding, we can safely say that yesterday, Tuesday, was a day of peace for our country.”

In a statement issued by the NRA, spokesperson William Blotter noted, “This proves that attempts to restrict our God given, constitutional right to bear arms are unnecessary and should be suspended immediately.” When reminded that the US has experienced 123 mass shootings in the past 86 days, Blotter responded, “Let’s not glass half-empty this - we’re taking the win.”

Some Americans aren't quite sure how to feel about this unusual absence of violence. "It feels weird and almost a little uncomfortable," observed Shani Meyers, a senior at Garfield High School. "Kinda like if there was a day when Donald Trump didn't appear anywhere in the news or social media. Like something awful is... missing."

Gun safety activists were less enthusiastic. Mark Bradley of Giffords.org theorized, “In all likelihood, the tornadoes that swept through most of the midwest and southern states, the nor’easter that hit the east coast and the flooding and mudslides experienced by California on Tuesday are probably responsible for this accidental cease-fire. Climate change disasters stopping gun violence for one day is not a win for anyone.”

By Christine Stevens