• Christine Stevens


Updated: Aug 1, 2020

Some people, some not-so-Bright people say I don’t have a plan, there’s no plan, no direction for this pandemic thing we’re all doing right now. But I do, I do have a plan, it’s a tremendous plan and a beautiful plan, a brilliant plan. I think Einstein would be jealous of my plan it’s so smart, so plannish.

Ok, so I’m about to use some very big and tall words, so get ready, because here comes my idea. It’s a real zippity doo dah day idea, you’re gonna love it.

We need to Weaponize the Asymptomatic.

I’ll explain because it’s a little bit complicated but also so, so simple.

We need to take, well first we need to test, all the people we think might have the virus but don’t have any symptoms of the virus - are you following me? - find out who they are and all that and then when we know they can spread the virus - are you still with me? - without being sick themselves, then we ‘deploy’ - that’s a military term, it means to send, sounds a lot more important than ‘send’ and it sounds like a war thing which we are in, we’re in a war or at least I’m gonna use a lot of war words because everyone knows that in an election year during a war the consumers don’t ‘change forces in midstream’ - that’s a saying, it is. I invented it.

Anyway, we deploy these, well, let’s call them The Asymptomatic Team - maybe even shorten that to The A Team - yeah that sounds good - so we deploy them to all the places and people we don’t like. Who have been mean to us. Who would see our economy crash and burn just so I don’t get re-elected. Who have not sent thank you notes for the amazing job I’m doing.

It’s a long list.

Maybe, and I’m just thinking out loud here, maybe we send some of them, disguised, of course, as reporters, who knows? Sit them near some of those nasty lady reporters - from CNN, the New York Times, at the pressers.

Perhaps - that’s another word for maybe - we get one onto Nancy’s security detail. Just an idea. We don’t have to. But it’s an option.

We could even, and I’m not saying we should, but we could, send an A Team - I think people are already loving that name - over to Joe Biden’s basement, have them sneak in and just touch stuff, maybe lick his doorknobs, then get out. Poof.

We could also dress a few up as postal service workers and give them routes in the poor neighborhoods - that’s two for one. That’s a good deal. I’m good at deals just like I’m good at plans.

And hey, just spitting some balls now - I’m the best ball spitter, everyone says so - maybe we could deploy some of them to Planned Parenthood Clinics, the Mexican border, John Bolton’s house - so many possibilities. Just let them walk around shedding - did you know that’s what happens? I studied this, they shed the virus and nobody even knows its happening! Like a dog with invisible fur. Like magic.

Once we make all these people who hate America sick, they’ll no longer be able to prevent our great country from reopening. Maybe some will die, maybe not, who knows? It would be a terrible thing but it happens, it happens. But the point is, we could get back to the good ratings and the stock market and the Wendy’s, and best of all, the rallies.

It’s beautiful. It’s a plan. My plan. And it’s a perfect plan.

by Christine Stevens

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