• Christine Stevens

A Final Note from the Principal: Make Sure You’re Sitting Down

Updated: Aug 27, 2020

To: Staff

re: new info about our school

Dear Garfield Middle School Teachers,

Commissioner Wiley from the State Dept. of Ed recently issued a few decrees re: the lions in our school. I feel it’s my responsibility to further inform you about the ravings of this remarkable lunatic. I will try not to completely lose my sh*t.

First, the good news.

Thanks to our school committee, our district will switch to remote learning. Saner minds have prevailed and have decided it’s too dangerous to hold school in a building filled with carnivorous predators. Additionally, it seems the lions have formed a pride and it has become impossible to remove them from our school. Animals are territorial. Who knew? And these beasts seem to like it indoors. So instead of sending 450 meals, I mean children, into our building, we are going to stay safe and instruct and learn remotely.

In other good news, the infighting for leadership within the pride has reduced the number of lions in our school. But while they may not be right in your classroom, they have taken to lying in wait in the hallways and bathrooms. Watch out.

Now for the bad news.

Did I say ‘instruct remotely?’ You, dear and devoted staff, as per Commissioner Nut Job’s decree, are to teach from your classrooms. I can hear your agonized screams.

Wait, it gets worse.

If you have small and/or school age children, they will now accompany you to your classroom. Where you will also be responsible for their remote learning/diapering/the list is endless, as you teach your classes. I sh*t you not. You may need to bring your household pets as they will need care and feeding - we'll figure out waste removal, animal and human, at some point. And while you're at it, if old Uncle Joe or your sweet mother with dementia is living with you, you'll probably have to bring them along as well.

Commissioner Headuphisbutt feels this is doable. I’m assuming the Commissioner of Education has neither taught nor parented a single human being, ever.

On the upside, you’ll now get to have the school WiFi password since you’ll need to bring your own laptop because your classroom computer was built in the pre-useful computer age and DOES NOT HAVE A CAMERA TO FACILITATE YOUR REMOTE TEACHING!! GAAAAHHH!!!

Sorry. Deep breath.

Since teachers by definition are creative problem solvers, I’m already imagining the zip line Ms. Green could design (and install) to whisk teachers and their young through the halls in order to go to the bathroom or the copy machine and make it back to their classroom fully intact and alive.

Or the elaborate indoor play structure you and your spouse will spend the next week designing, constructing and installing in your room.

I can see Mrs. Conroy’s four children, ages 5-15, deeply engaged in quiet learning while their mother masterfully teaches her 7th grade ELA class on The Outsiders because well, she’s Mrs. Conroy. Also, Benadryl.

If you have any questions, kindly put them inside a balloon filled with the excrement of your choice and throw it at Commissioner WTF’s house.

Losing my mind with the rest of you,

Maria Wilson


Garfield Middle School

To: Staff

re: oops!

Dear GMS teachers,

In an almost comical mix up, that last email was sent to you accidentally.

You see, what happened was, that was my first draft but before I could revise it, my daughter hopped onto my computer to submit her start of the school year essay on What I did Last Pandemic, and seeing what looked like a completed but unsent email, she sent it.

I’m so sorry/not sorry you had to read my unvarnished truth.

Crying through my tears,


by Christine Stevens

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