The Earth Speaks: Humans, Do Your Worst. I Have All the Time in the World.

I love all this talk about humans saving the earth. Cracks me up. Like a tick trying to stop a redwood from falling over.

Yeah, my icebergs are melting and my oceans are rising. Blahblahblah, you all know the story. Strangely, some of you don’t believe it. Despite almost daily catastrophic evidence.

Wildfires torching Hawaii. Bet you never saw that sentence coming.

What’s up Phoenix? The temperature, that’s what. July brought you a winning streak of 20 days over 115 degrees! Congratulations?

This just in: Hurricanes in L.A.! And for you hot tub enthusiasts, you need only step into the Florida Keys now!

All because of your ‘human activity.’ Such a sweet way of saying ‘we’ve been mainlining fossil fuels for decades and we can’t stop!’ I bet you wish you could blame the Sacklers for that one.

And if your self-imposed climate disasters don’t wipe you out, maybe the reemergence of deadly pathogens like Polio will. You thought Covid-19 was fun? Just wait.

The sixth extinction is on and you all are KILLING it! I mean actually killing...every living thing.

Here’s a short list of some of your accomplishments over the course of just a few years (less than a nanosecond in my experience of the space/time continuum):

-You’ve caused the extinction of at least 571 animal species since 1750*. Wait, make that 572 - Attenborough's Long Beaked Echidna just made the list! And Sir David is pissed.

- You’ve choked the oceans with a floating plastic island TWICE the size of Texas.**

But hey, you could probably get an abortion on that island.

- Bees. Don’t get me started with the bees. It’s a simple equation: No Bees = No Food.***

I could go on and on but now I’m itchy. Mosquitoes are insane this year.

But don't listen to me. Keep pouring energy into denying human rights to anyone who isn't a straight white male. Psssst... I'm gonna let you in on a little not-so-secret: You boys are on your way to extinction too!

Because look: I’ve got all the time in the world. Literally and figuratively. I’m not going anywhere. Oh sure, I’m currently losing one acre of rainforest every two seconds and yeah, it’s likely the Yangtze soft shell turtle will never see sunlight again. But more importantly, and I think you all should really pay attention to this - the human population is the only organic matter in need of saving.

Spoiler alert: This ends in starvation and murder for that last bottle of Nestle water. Remember, I survived a dinosaur annihilating meteor strike, for Gaia’s sake. It took a few million years to recover, which is a drop in the bucket for me - a drop of liquid life that one day soon you’ll be whacking someone over the head with your dead iPad for.

This ain’t my first evolutionary process. I move in geologic time. I’m playing the reaaallly looooong game. I have forever.

You don’t.

So don’t do it for me. I’ll be just fine. It may take a few more years to finally be rid of you, but after that, I’ve got billions of years to regenerate, repopulate and hopefully grow a new form of intelligent life. One with some actual intelligence.

*true fact

**also true

***no duh

By Christine Stevens