It’s Perfectly Safe to Walk Across the Village Minefield...
We Just Have to Take The Proper Precautions.
Mayor Baker here with some good news! As we know, the local park has been closed since last winter when we discovered it was full of landmines. So when our field of dreams became a field of screams, I took action and shut it down, even though it meant our children no longer had a safe place to play and Mrs. Shoemaker could no longer use it as a short cut to get to the OTB parlor.
Well, it’s been long enough. While the landmines are still definitely in the field, we’ve done a pretty good job of staying away from the park (condolences to Mrs. Shoemakers family on your recent loss, I guess she just forgot), so we think it’s time we let everyone get back into the minefield - but safely.
Now I know some of you are thinking “But Mayor Baker, you opened the minefield in September and had to close it a week later after the entire Cooke family was blown to smithereens while picnicking at the gazebo.” The Cooke's, as you’ll recall, had a family reunion with many family members who were from out of town and did not follow our safety protocols.
To that end, I, along with Councilor Chandler have come up with a Four Point Plan of new safety measures designed to make going into the minefield, if not a pleasurable experience, at least one where you have a much better chance of surviving the venture now than you did in September.
(By the way, we will no longer be referring to it as ‘the minefield’ and will return to calling it the park.)
Here they are:
-Be Small: Only a small cohort will enter the park at a time. 8-10 children accompanied by a knowledgable adult seems about right.
-Off Your Mark!: We have marked all the spots where we think there might be a landmine with a bright yellow sticker showing a pair of shoes with a large red ‘no' symbol/slash through it (placed at approx. 6 ft. intervals), an homage to Mrs. S., RIP.
-Oh That Looks Good on You!: You will be issued military grade PPE which includes Ballistic Helmets with visors and De-mining Aprons for almost everyone! Thanks to Miss Weaver, the aprons come in a variety of cheerful fabric patterns. AND, for a fee, she will sew you a custom apron with your choice of material!
-Mine Fu*k: We have a small stock of single sensor metal detectors available to loan. Sign out sheet is at the Village Hall. One per family/group. Our budget is a bit stretched these days (military grade equipment is NOT CHEAP). Be sure to watch the training video, available at: http://youtube.this blows.com
Now, before you bombard my inbox with perfectly reasonable statements like “If we have to go to such extreme, expensive and exhaustive measures, maybe it just isn’t safe to go into the minefield,” or logical questions such as “This plan seems doable if our entire village complies - what about the 50% of our village that doesn’t believe we even have a minefield?,” please remember that I have been under A LOT of pressure from at least half of you to get us back into the park. Mr. Smith has sent me more than seventeen YouTube videos about “The Great Landmine Hoax” - frankly, I’m starting to find their arguments quite compelling. And I’m really tired of torch-bearing villagers swarming my house with AK-47’s and signs riddled with spelling errors.
So there you have it - a plan for reopening the park that keeps everyone sort of safe and minimizes the threat of death or dismemberment (as long as everyone follows the rules) wrapped up in a simple, easy to remember acronym.
Remember, it takes a village to make sure the village doesn’t become a pile of rubble!
Mayor C.D. Baker
by Christine Stevens