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  • Writer's pictureChristine Stevens

Governor Greg Abbott Announces Free Guns for All Texans

Updated: Apr 17

HOUSTON, TX: Declaring “All for guns and guns for all,” Texas Governor Greg Abbott signed an executive order creating the Guns Are Free(dom) For Everyone initiative that will give every Texan a handgun, free of charge. He added, “And we will be inclusive; every child over the age of 4 gets a gun as well as parolees and the visually impaired. We wanna be fair about this.”

When it was pointed out that Texans already own more guns than any other state in the union, Abbott replied, “Your point is? If you already have a gun, well now you got two! Or two hundred and one, that’s your business, not mine.”

Asked what prompted this action, Abbott said, “Since we got rid of all that red tape around licensing, permits, training, background checks, blahblahblah, this just seemed like the logical next step.” As for how the program will be funded, Abbott noted, “We had a lot of leftover Covid money earmarked for education, so between that and a few ‘grants’ from the NRA, this program will ensure every citizen of this great state will be able to protect themselves from the daily mass shootings.”

Bianca Calders of San Antonio is one of the 52% of sane Texans in favor of gun safety laws. However, Abbott’s Guns Are Free(dom) For Everyone program has forced her hand. “I’m out of here,” she mumbled while hastily loading whatever household possessions she could fit into her minivan. “We’re moving to Massachusetts. I’d rather be a living Yankee than a bullet riddled Longhorn.”

Abbott reported he has struck a deal with Amazon Prime for delivery of the free weapons. Starting next week, every household in the state will receive a package with one gun for each member residing at that address. “Be sure to 'Handle with Care' - now don’t say I didn't give y'all a safe handling training,” he quipped, while completely ignoring reporters' questions about the wisdom of sending guns to toddlers and teenagers, not to mention everyone else.

When asked if citizens could decline receiving a free gun from the G.A.F.F.E program, Abbott’s face looked blank and he appeared to not understand the question.

Guns currently available for purchase in vending machines (see Vending Machine Guns) will have their payment devices disabled, making them easily accessible for the unhoused. “No address? No stress. Just head over to the nearest gas station, supermarket or the local mall and pick yourself out a beauty,” smiled Abbott as he refused to answer any follow-up questions from reporters.

In response to Abbott’s initiative, gun safety advocates are attempting to provide free body armor for all citizens and have formed a non-profit, Safety Here In Texas. Attempts to attract sufficient funding have failed so far, but proponents of the program remain confident that S.H.I.T happens.

By Christine Stevens

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