Excerpt from von Trapped: Sound of Music, Part II
Updated: Aug 4, 2020
(Enter Maria, with a full laundry basket and a whistle. She is in her 50’s. She moves center and blows the whistle. Nothing happens. Tries again. Nothing. A third time. Grimaces, sighs)
Maria: Liesel! Friedrich! Louisa! Kurt! Brigitta! Marta! Spit spot!
(Silence.Then, yelling to offstage)
Whose turn is it to empty the dishwasher? (offstage: Gretel’s!)
Why was the dirty laundry in the dining room? (offstage: Gretel left it there)
Has anyone seen my reading glasses? (offstage: Gretel has them!)
They think I haven’t noticed that Gretel moved out 3 years ago to start an internet company, marketing an on-line, all music-based remote learning curriculum for homeschooling students. Very successful, that one.
I’m still stuck with the rest of them.
Well, I’ve had quite enough.
(thinks for a moment)
I know. Watch this:
(blows a note on tuner, “You are Sixteen Going on Seventeen” music swells)
(singing sweetly)
You wait, grown adults without any goal
For life to hand you the next thing
Your lives, slacker dears, are an aimless scroll
Of Instagram and texting
Liesel (walking in, on phone): And texting…
(Friedrich, Louisa, Kurt, Brigitta and Marta shamble out in various states of dress, looking at phones, tablets, wearing ear buds, headphones, etc.)
Maria:You are thirty four going on seventeen
Kiddos, I’m on the brink
Still living at home, please get off your phones,
Dear God I need a drink
You’re all thirty four going on seventeen
Stop acting half your age
Pick up your shit, get a job you nit wit
Even at minimum wage
Totally unprepared are you
To face a world so cruel
Lazy and scared and in debt are you
Still trying to pay off school
Children: If you won’t scold and dominate us
We will never give you cause to hate us
Maria: Oh do shut up.
You’re all thirty four going on seventeen
I’ve got to draw the line
Captain is gone and I’m on my own
Where is that glass of wine?
Children: We won’t hide your spectacles so you can’t see
Maria: I knew it!
Children: Put toads in your bed, or pepper in your tea.
Children (music swells, Children begin dancing, adapting moves from So Long Farewell, DO a Deer, Lonely Goat Herd, etc):
We are thirty four going on seventeen
Fledglings that won’t take wing
Job market sucks and rent costs too much
When you’re working at Burger King
Totally unprepared are we
To face a world of stress
Mary (oops!) Maria makes it e-easy
To stay in our lovely nest
(big finish)
Maria: I need something stronger than a merlot
Or I’m gonna show you the do-or
You need to grow up, get out and get on
I’m not - your fucking nanny - anymore!
(Children stop, look concerned)
Maria: No I won’t - take care - of you.
(Beat. Children laugh uproariously, run off waving, saying So long! Farewell! Auf wiedersehen! Goodbye! Maria puts the laundry basket over her head and walks off.)
by Christine Stevens