Council of Nicaea Reconvenes for the First Time Since 325 AD to Debate the Divinity of Donald Trump
Emperor Constantine: Ok, so the last time we got together it was because Arius here practically destroyed Christianity when he questioned the divinity of Christ. He got us into a gigantic tizzy over the fact that we weren’t really all on the same page about some pretty important tenets of our fledgling faith. The big sticking point was that some believed our Lord and Savior was born of a virgin human woman which meant He therefore had a definite beginning, unlike God, his Father who is forever and always, Amen. Which meant Jesus might not be God.
Rick Perry: Will there be a lunch break? I heard last time there was no lunch break.
Constantine: No lunch. This led to us nattering on for months about the whole God the Son vs. God the Father thing and does this mean we have two Gods and for christssake we’re supposed to be monotheists now so we’ll have none of that nonsense and by the way, who the hell is the Holy Spirit? I’m still a little confused by the whole business, to be honest. Also we spent a shit ton of time trying to find a good date for Easter. As you may recall, we decided to keep it on top of Passover. More or less.
Anyway, now we have this fellow Donald Trump anointing himself The Chosen One which got Arius’ panties in yet another bunch because it begs the question: Can the Chosen One choose oneself? So here we are again.
Wayne Allyn Root: Hold the phone, I’m the one who ordained Mr. Trump the Second Coming of God. King of Israel! That was me! On my nationally syndicated radio show!
Arius: Yes but it is recorded that Mr. Trump proclaimed himself the Chosen One, which has distinctly Christ-like implications. Plus he looked up to the sky when he said it.
Wayne Allyn Root: Jesus, God, whatever! It’s all the same.
Constantine: Aaaand here we go again…
Rick Perry: But Wayne, weren’t y’all talkin’ about how the Jews should love Donald? I don’t think the Jews oughta be a part of this discussion. I’m not comfortable with that. I thought this was a Christian Convention. Did I come in the wrong door? Is this Ballroom C?
Arius: I question only the divine genesis of Donald Trump. For is he not the son of Frederick of New York and Mary Anne of the Scots? And was not his Father a Lord of Land and a Profiteer once arrested as a ‘berobed marcher’ at a ‘parade?’ These euphemisms hardly speak of divinity.
Wayne Allyn Root: Just wanna point out his father’s middle name was Christ. I shit you not. Look it up.
Constantine: Arius, I believe the question before us is whether Mr. Trump is the King of Israel, The Second Coming of God or the Chosen One. And are they all the same thing? Still confused.
Rick Perry: I agree with Wayne. I really think his daddy’s middle name oughta count for something. Wait a minute…that makes Donald Trump the son of Christ! Boom! Case closed.
Arius: Most noble Emperor, at the risk of being exiled yet again, might I posit that Mr. Trump is none of the above? That he is, in fact, the progeny of the Power of Positive Thinking and his ‘faith’ lies solely in himself and only himself. He was raised to believe that anything he did, from phone calls to seizing females by their genitalia, no matter what the impact on others, was ‘perfect.’
Wayne Allyn Root: He just admitted he’s not perfect! To the Evangelicals! At a rally! Just after he ordered the assassination of a high level foreign military commander without informing Congress!
Arius: As I was saying…He believes himself infallible and all powerful. When Man does not praise him excessively, does he not become angry, make threats, issue commandments, cause chaos…
Rick Perry: Sounds like God to me! Can we get some lunch now?
Arius: …withhold resources, smite his enemies with…
Constantine: Umm…excuse me, Arius, but I have to agree with Rick. I think you’re making an argument for…
Arius: Yes, yes, now that I hear myself saying it out loud, it does sound like that.
Constantine: So what do we do?
Mitch McConnell: Well I think we should wrap this up quickly and let President Trump tell us exactly what he wants to be called. And then we call him that. All the time.
Constantine: Senator McConnell, have you been here the whole time?
Rick Perry: I could have sworn he was a plate of cheese and two itty bitty, little olives.
Mitch McConnell: I’ve said all I need to say. Now please excuse me. It’s winter. I must return to my shoebox in the closet. There’s a nice piece of iceberg lettuce with my name on it waiting for me.
Constantine: Well then, I guess it’s decided. Thank Trump Almighty.
Arius: Not the outcome I expected. But it never is.
by Christine Stevens